I will survive.

To work or not to work is THE million dollar question.

This post has been-a-brewin for awhile now.
It's long, full of emotion, and scattered.
And I'm aware that everyone's thoughts and *strong* opinions on the matter are completely unique.

But here are MY thoughts.

This topic is what has consumed my brain and heart.
Since August 19, 2012 to be exact.

The funny part is that I never ever thought this would be a topic up for debate.

Because I'm a psycho-planner, I was just sure this was exactly how my life would play out:

Finish my masters in education.
Get a teaching job.
Get pregnant when we were ready.
Go back to work after baby (possibly even early because I would go stir crazy).
Become the world's greatest teacher.
And the world's greatest mom.

Well.
I've learned full well God tends to laugh in our faces when we have a "perfect plan" for our lives.
We were reminded of this the moment we found out we were pregnant...my first year of teaching.

But life continued of course.
I taught.
And enjoyed it.
And dreamed of the future.
With my baby and career co-existing.

And then,
Baby Lyla was born.

Oh my.

Suddenly, my dream bubble burst
as my little family became
the center of my world.

I mean.
I did not even know it was possible to love something or someone so much.
It's ridiculous really.

Something inside me changed.
I developed a deep desire to stay home with my baby.
I cannot imagine leaving her.
Or missing out on all the exciting firsts.

Unfortunately, there are several obstacles and circumstances that are currently keeping me from this new-found desire.
At this exact moment in time, staying home is not even an option.

And as my maternity leave is very rapidly coming to an end,
I'm praying that God will give me the strength and peace to leave my babe and go back to work.

Sounds so dramatic, right?
I'm aware I sound obnoxiously whiney.
And I know thousands of women, most women, go back to work after having babies.
And most suffer greatly through those first weeks back at work without baby.
And most women do just fine.
And thrive even.

So I am quite aware that I'm not alone.
And I'm also aware that we are often products of the choices we make.
Ahem, going back to school and subsequently going into debt.
Boo.

And I hate to complain because I truly do love my job.

*I just love my Lyla a teensy bit more.*

Plus, I had no clue that I'd want to stay home with my babe. Was never even on my radar. And to be perfectly honest, I would ideally LOVE to have the best of both worlds: be at home with my baby AND still work in education somehow. I mean, I did give up a fabulous career to go into teaching. But I don't even think there is such a thing as part time in education.

And while I'm opening my heart...
I've had a down-right bad attitude about the whole situation.
I feel so envious of other moms.
All but two of my friends with young babes either stay home or work part time.
I would give anything...

But you know what? In time, the right door may open. And it's important for me not to just stand by and wish for time to pass until the right situation comes along. I must strive to "be content no matter what the circumstances." - Phil 4:12 And savor every moment with my little sugar and enjoy the time I do have with her.

I was reminded of this while reading this article via blogger Em's thoughts on women having it all.
I was particularly drawn to the following idea:
"We want life to have meaning, we want fulfillment, healing, even ecstasy, but the human paradox is that we find these things by starting where we are, not where we wish we were."

BOOM.

Wake up call, Angela. Don't let life pass you by while wishing for a more perfect situation.

I've got things pretty good.
A supportive husband.
Happy, healthy daughter.
My mother-in-law is our child care.
And I get summers off. *Sort of*.
I really do love my job.

Given the ambiance of this post, it may be hard to believe, but I really do wake up every morning and thank God for all the blessings I have. And who knows? Maybe I'll get into a groove and love being back at work. Or maybe a part time position will fall in my lap, and I'll get the best of both worlds.

Only time will tell.

I truly apologize for all the boo-hooing.

But it feels so good to get it out.

And I know *many* of you can relate.

But let's be honest. Would YOU want to leave this mohawked sweetie every morning? ;)