If I Could Keep You Little...

Would you believe me if I said I was spontaneous and go-with-the-flow? 

You know, easy breezy.

No?

Well. You'd probably be right. 

I just have this desperate need to control and plan all things. 

But, let me give myself a little credit here. 

I have been known to be impulsive, and even have some uninhibited fun here and there. 

Thank-you-very-much. 

But mostly, I like routine and commonplace. 

The comfort of knowing my surroundings. 

So it's no surprise that change can be quite difficult for me. 

Behind the facade of my I'm-tough-stuff mask, is a panicked somebody-hold-me face when presented with major change. 

I guess I just like to take time to savor, process, and embrace new changes at my own pace. 

But even the smallest of changes deserve some recognition. 

Like the impending sub-arctic temperatures we are about to take on here in Kansas, for example. 

I'm not quite yet ready to let go of autumn. 

Although, I can't complain either.

We've had one of the most beautiful autumns in history. 

{And by "history",  I really mean, my personal history.}

We've marveled in the mild temperatures and streets splashed with vibrant hues of mustard, pomegranete, and merlot. 

We've played in the leaves, drank plenty of pumpkin spice lattes, and enjoyed trick-or-treating with friends.

We've savored the crisp air and the beauty of this particular fall as it *almost* reminds us of our autumns spent in New England. 

And Lyla's been a big fan too - inspecting every centimeter of her leaf piles, hearing the crunch beneath her little feet, and getting to play outside in November. 

I'm just not quite ready to say goodbye. 

But you know who else I'm not ready to say goodbye to?

Thanksgiving. 

Because it hasn't even arrived yet. 

The Christmas decorations are already in full swing for many, and our iTunes radio was playing Christmas music at work today. 

I'm.not.ready.

{Although, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some of my holiday shopping finished and our Christmas cards ready to be sent out.}

But still. 

My goodness, let's let Thanksgiving have a fair turn in the spotlight, shall we? 

But then, there are some bigger changes that occur in life. 

Sometimes these changes happen subtly, and one day we suddenly realize everything is different. 

While other times, big changes happen overnight, in an instant. 

Like when you suddenly realize that your baby is no longer a baby. 

And like the sparse leaf or two still hanging on by a thread in our neighborhood, I'm grasping at a few lingering qualities that are somewhat reflective of my baby. 

The baby that was born almost 15 months ago. 

The baby who is a full-on toddler. 

You guys. 

Lyla has changed overnight. 

I swear.

Gabe was out of town for a week, and when he came back he was positively positive that she's at least 3 pounds heavier. 

Oh. And she outgrew two pairs of her shoes. 

Shoes that fit her just last week. 

But the physical changes are somewhat bearable. 

It's the budding independence that has nearly winded me. 

Someone has finally figured out that Mom and Dad didn't hang the moon. 

And she is expressing that in as many ways as she can. 

Including pushing Mom away when she goes in for the used-to-be-the-norm kisses. 

Or squealing, screaming, and banging to tell us that she wants food and she wants it NOW.

By clenching her little fists into a ball and shaking when she is mad about something. 

And refusing to stay in one spot because she is busy.busy.busy. with lots of work to do. 

But then, in the most unpredictable moment, my baby is my baby once again. 

Needy for her mom and dad.

Wanting to be rocked to sleep.  

Desperate for some snuggles and a "giss". 

Both of which mom and dad are ready to dish out at the drop of a hat. 

Miss Beans' newfound independence is the first of many changes to come. 

And it really has me thinking, trying to process and prepare for these changes. 

It's these types of changes that are the hardest to wrap my head around. 

Because they're so very bittersweet.

And my thoughts can't help but be directed to one of my all-time favorite children's books, If I Could Keep You Little. 

It's a perfect representation of the bittersweet changes we experience as parents.

How we want to freeze time in hopes to keep our children little. 

To stop and savor the little phase. 

But then the book goes on to show that if our children stayed little, we would miss out on all their accomplishments, achievements, and dreams. 

Such a sweet, simple concept. 

And a such a wonderful reminder. 

So although it doesn't exactly give me warm fuzzes when Lyla pushes me away because she has bigger things to do, it does offer some form of relief. 

Relief in knowing that my daughter is growing and developing exactly how God intended. 

She's turning into her own little person and applying the new skills she learns daily. 

This is only the first step to Lyla's 18 year journey to independence. 

And when that day finally comes, I find comfort in knowing that we will have helped her achieve that independence. 

Our little Miss Beans has big dreams to dream and greatness to achieve.

So although it is a rather tempting desire, I most definitely do not want to keep her little.
*sniffle sniffle*