Friday, April 11, 2014

Just Being

I'm pretty sure I've broken some sort of absence rule over here on the blog.

I'm surprised I even remembered my login to my Mac as my brain muscles are most definitely getting squishy and rusty. And I don't like it one bit. {Yet, admittedly, I kind of do.}

I wish I could give a good excuse as to why I haven't had the desire to sit down and blog.
Like we've been busy completely remodeling our house.
Or I took on a volunteer project which has taken up all my time.
Or we have been busy packing all of our belongings to move to Madrid for a year.

But instead, the only real excuse I have is simply life.
We have been very busy enjoying every bit of it.
Busy enjoying happy.

Our pastor put it perfectly into perspective a couple of Sundays ago when he said, "We must find the value in being, not doing."
I'm pretty sure he was looking right at me when he said that.
Ok, not really.
But truer words have never been spoken, and these particular words struck a nerve deep in my soul.

So here I am, really focusing on simply being, not doing.

And to be quite honest, for the first time ever, my life is tranquil.
I am at peace with every aspect of it.
I feel content. I'm sleeping at night. And I don't feel even a twinge of anxiety.

This level of contentment, however, hasn't come naturally. I've had to work quite hard and make a very conscious effort to get to the where I'm at. I've spent the last 8 months detoxing and intentionally eliminating things from my life that tend to cause me anxiety - things like perfectionism and comparison.

I've said no to more commitments in the past 3 months than I have in my 30 years of living. I've made more of an effort to be around the people who make me feel the most "whole" and whom I feel no pressure to impress. I spend more time in the word and in prayer. I try to focus on gratitude instead of wanting more. I've forgiven myself for mistakes I've made and regrets I have. I left a profession that I thought I would love but didn't. I have learned that my value is not in the things I do but who I am.

Earlier this week, my morning devotional from Jesus Calling really stayed with me, "Accept yourself and your circumstances just as they are...Do not wear yourself out with planning and analyzing".

Once again, I'm pretty sure the author must have done a bit of stalking, and then wrote this just for me. Not that planning or analyzing are bad qualities, well, at least I hope not. Those are two characteristics that are absolutely etched into my being - I will never be able to rid my planning nature. Planning in and of itself is a wonderful thing, but planning to achieve perfection is where things get sticky. I have learned {and am still learning} to let go of things I cannot change and to not sweat the small stuff. **But believe me, this isn't easy. There are still plenty of small things I sweat. Just ask my husband and his habit of putting his cereal bowls in the left side of the sink. ;)

But I promise I'm getting better.

Know how I know? Because I made scones from a box this week instead of scouring Pinterest for an hour looking for the perfect recipe for two co-workers' birthdays. Or the fact that I'm totally fine with pizza and balloons for Lyla's second birthday. Or the fact that I am perfectly content updating and improving our current home instead of being sour that it's not time for us to "upgrade".

I'm really enjoying this whole avoiding perfectionism thing.

But also in my moments of weakness, I find myself getting antsy. Hoping for a new project or commitment. Wanting more responsibility. Wanting a challenge. Wanting to take on the world.

I'm a doer through and through.

But then I'm immediately reminded that this time with Lyla is so precious, so sweet, so fleeting. Each milestone, each passing moment, will never again be repeated. And when I have other commitments, I tend to not be as focused on my family as I'd like to be. My entire heart, brain and existence goes into whatever responsibilities I've been given.

So for this very short spec on the timeline of my life, and for the very first time ever, I have chosen to put my entire self into just being.

And it's amazing how just being brings a somewhat unfamiliar feeling to my bones: peace and contentment.
Oh. And lots and lots of happy.

1 comment:

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

It sounds like you have been spending your time being fabulous! That's awesome that you feel so content now.