The Little Years

Life has really picked up speed lately.

Much of the day is chaotic and abuzz, but it really is a welcomed change of pace. And although I'm still trying to get the hang of working from home with a toddler and a baby, I really like it. I'm in my element - home with my babies while still flexing my brain muscles and social skills.

But I must admit, I've lost my patience more than usual. I'm constantly going. And many days, it feels like Gabe and I are passing ships in the night. Sometimes, it's 2:00 in the afternoon, and I truly have to think hard to remember if I ate or not that day. And I have had to completely let go of the fact that the house always has at least one layer of dog hair and dinner is more often than not something that requires less than 3 ingredients and a crock pot. {Oh. and the fact that the chalkboard in our living room still says "have a holly jolly christmas"}. I bring that up not to say, "look how busy I am", but to remind myself that I've come so far in my journey to slow down and be more intentional. And I do believe it's possible to be fulfilled by working and having a full schedule from time to time, while still being intentional with my time and focusing on my family.

Addie's lovely Sip and See thrown by special friends

And that is exactly why it is so important for me to continue documenting these "little years". But man is it hard to have enough creative energy to sit down at the end of the day to pump out a blog post. However, it is a priority for me because we so quickly forget the everyday.

Have you read this post that's been circulating lately? I loved it. Great advice from empty-nesters. I especially loved that they talked about recording the ordinary, the mundane. Because those really are the things we forget too quickly.

I never want to forget...

- the way Lyla says "eh" before every sentence. "eh, that's dad's oatmeal. eh, there are bubbles on it. eh strawberries in my yogurt."

- how the girls already seem to have a secret language. Lyla sweetly tells Adaline, "Ok. Don't drop it" when referring to the pile of toys she sat on top of her. And Adaline adoringly looks up at her big sister, cooing and gurgling.

- the way Lyla exerts her independence by putting her palm up and saying "No MOM, leave. I'm playing." Or how she tells me "leave mommy" every morning so she can finish reading her books in bed.

- how Addie has been dishing out deep, belly laughs. They make the entire room light up with laughter - big sis included.

- how Lyla wants everyone to be happy. If I say, "you're making mom sad", she quickly responds with "NO. Mom is HAPPY."

- the moment anyone makes eye contact with Addie, she breaks out into a smile that makes my cheeks hurt.

- when i ask lyla how school was, she always responds with the simple word, very confidently: "fwiends."

- how Lyla asks us to sing Jingle Bells every single night before bed. {Maybe she's taking cues from our overdue chalkboard?}

- and begs us every night to "snuggle, Dad. snuggle, Mom."

- how peanut butter crackers and vitamins are Lyla's most favorite things on the planet right now.

- how Lyla loves to cover Adaline with any material she can find, mostly fabric squares and bubble wrap

- how the world stops when I sit in bed and read with my girls, both of them warmly snuggled on both sides of me

- - - - 

These little moments are why I exist. And I'm going to document them, even if it means I lose more sleep than I already am.

c'est la vie.

Ramblings from my Mommy Brain

It feels like so much has happened in the past six weeks since Adaline's been born. Yet if you asked me what I do on a typical day, I'd probably laugh. Because I would have no idea what to say.

Believe it or not, we've managed to stay fairly busy during my "maternity leave". That's what I'm calling it. It's the time I allow myself to relax a little more than usual and am extra forgiving of myself on the days we stay in sweats until lunch time. "Because", I tell myself, "I have a baby. And a toddler. And it's winter. And it's my 'maternity leave'."

But we really have been pleasantly busy with lots of visitors, play dates, errands (so.many.errands.), and prepping for the holidays. And I've very quickly realized that tasks that used to take me 10 minutes suddenly take me 2 or 3 days. And that's no lie.

We also follow the household rule to make it out of the house at least once a day. Even if it means simply going through the Starbucks drive through. It may take about 2 hours from start to finish, but I do everything in my power to get us out. I surprisingly have yet to throw my hands in the air and say "forget it! not worth the 6 layers of winter clothing and a toddler who loves to dawdle." Which brings me to a question. Will I ever be on time again? Ever?  It frazzles me to the core.

And because it's my "maternity leave", I'm going to go ahead and not feel guilty about writing the rest of this post in bullet points. Because that's how my brain works lately - not complete thoughts, just bullet points.

So. Lately...

... It is no joke when they say to hang on tight and savor these years because you blink and your kids are all grown up.  I thought Lyla's babyhood went quickly. But this? Oh my word, time with two little ones is scarily passing by. These pictures, for example. They were taken two and a half weeks ago. And Adaline already looks completely different. And no longer fits into this nightgown. And has an extra chin. {sniffle. sniffle.}

... Speaking of Miss A, she has been nothing but smiles. And it feels just as exciting as it did the first time around with big sis. I love when babes start smiling...it marks the beginning of "This is my FAVORITE phase". I'm not sure how I'd forgotten the uncontainable joy one experiences when your baby smiles at you for the first time. I was just as much an emotional mess this time around. I mean, when she looks at me and smiles, time stops and I feel like my heart is going to burst right through my chest.

... Like many first-borns, Lyla has always been an observer. That girl walks into a room {with extreme caution, of course} and observes for quite awhile before she lets down her guard and participates in whatever is going on. My little observer, feverishly studying everything around her. I swear that's what she's been doing for the past two years with language. She's always had a large vocabulary, but really has only been speaking in short sentences since she turned two. But all of a sudden, she is having full-blown conversations with us. Conversations that make sense. She can remember and recall things from a month ago, she tells us what she did at school or church, and she reminds us when we forget things. It's mind-blowing.

... We're actually starting to get into a routine around here. Although it may be a loose one, it feels pretty amazing. I've learned, for example, that if I accidentally sleep past 6:45 a.m., the rest of the day is shot. Because then I don't have time to shower. And when I don't have time to shower, we seem to have more tantrums and a lot less productivity. I think it's a scientific correlation: showered mama = successful day.

... Lyla started nursing her babies. It's probably the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. Ever.  Monkey see, monkey do.

... Lyla has really developed a love for helping in the kitchen. It started out as a tactic to teach her patience while waiting on meals, but now she loves it. She loves to measure and pour and stir and taste test.

... I still can't get over how easy of a baby Adaline is. I'm not kidding when I say I can count on both hands how many times we've heard her *really* cry. I would feel guilty about this fact. Except Lyla was INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT as a baby. Although I didn't think it was possible to ever love something more than my first born, Adaline is a breath of fresh air. :) And I know a large part of that is that we're so much more relaxed as parents. But I also think God knew that we just really needed an easy baby after little miss scream-for-days-colic-pants.

... My mother-in-law calls Lyla "Goodnight Moon". And it's so true. Because that really is how she talks. "Good night, heater."  "Good morning big girl underwear." And just today as we were leaving for school, "Goodbye Lyla's slippers." Hilarious observation and just so cute.

... If you still haven't started the podcast Serial, you do NOT know what you're missing. I mean, I do think my adrenaline has stepped down a notch after listening to 8 episodes straight in one weekend. But, I get SO excited for Thursdays. And it is the topic of conversation in our house for at least one hour a day. I'm not sure what I'll do exactly when it's over.

... I'm also not sure what I love more. The father-daughter relationship or the sister-sister. They both slay me.

... I don't think anything has me more confused than toddler moodswings. I kid you not. One minute I am texting Gabe telling him how incredibly sweet Lyla is and that I want this stage to last forever, and the next, she's throwing herself down in the middle of a parking lot taunting me with smirks, headshakes, and "NO!"s. Of course that is immediately followed by me thinking she snuck some sugar water somewhere because she's melting my mama heart into a puddle of sap with "I'm sorry" and "I love you Mama". Oh goodness, do toddlers sure know how to make a perfectly sane woman see red.

... We have our first date night planned this weekend. Getting all dressed up for Gabe's company Christmas party. It is time and it is necessary and I am pumped.

... This is the part of my maternity leave that I like to call "The Awakening". It's where you suddenly realize that it's time to start getting out more. It's time to start cooking again {THANK YOU to all my friends and family who have made us meals. Absolute Godsends, you are. Meals are the best gift you can ever ever ever give a new mom}. It's time to be a sociable human being who has conversations with other people besides a newborn and a toddler. And although hanging around the house in yoga pants with my girls has made me happier than I've ever been, it's time for my brain to get some exercise. And to get that exercise, I have quite the project I've finally pulled the trigger on. Very excited to share soon!!!

Although, hanging in our pjs for hours and reading books by the Christmas tree everyday has been a welcomed change of pace.

Life with Two: A peek into reality

The first two weeks of Adaline's life were exactly what I'd hoped for. Our new life with two surprised me as they were so much better and easier than I'd imagined.

Gabe was on paternity leave. We all slept in. We made breakfast every morning. The weather was still beautiful, and we went for walks to the park - sometimes more than once. Lyla was adjusting and even thriving in her new role as a big sister. Adaline was {and still is} incredibly laid back and a rockstar eater and sleeper. And we had multiple days where we all stayed in our pj's until noon - with nowhere to be and nothing to care about but our family of four.

But it was Lyla's reaction to Adaline that surprised us most. She wasn't so sure about this new tiny human when she first met her, but after a few short seconds, she was in love. And the love and intrigue continued once we brought Baby A home. She made sure to let us know when "Baby Adaline crying, she's sad" or "Baby Adaline sleeping" or "Adaline needs baby paci". She would gently rub her head, watch her while she napped, hold her little hands, and continually ask to lay down with her little sister.

I was nervous about how Lyla would react to me nursing the baby. And the first time, it frightened her. She saw me feeding Adaline, looked confused, and began to cry. but she immediately walked over, observed for a few moments, and then said "Adaline drinking milk?" Now she pulls up a chair next to me and chats while I feed the baby. She also loved helping to burp the baby. She would gently pat her and tell her to burp. But this only lasted until Adaline started spitting up frequently. Now, Lyla gets this disgusted look on her face and says "baby throw up - ugh!" So I can no longer count on her to help in this area. :)

Lyla was also the comfort police. The moment Adaline seemed uncomfortable, Big Sis had to do something about it. When the baby started crying, Lyla would rush to her rescue with the "baby paci" and shove it in her mouth. We had to teach her to gently put it in...and explain that she didn't always want it. Or if she thought the baby was cold, she'd throw a blanket over her. And the moment Lyla woke from nighttime or nap, she asked to go say good morning to Baby Adaline.

My heart exploded nearly every 15 seconds of this new life with two.

But there were also some enlightening moments that made me deeply sad. Overnight, Lyla became a big girl. {No seriously, she was a giant compared to the newborn we brought home.} But not just physically. We all of a sudden {and unintentionally} expected Lyla to act like a big girl because she was now the big sister, and we needed her to be a big girl.

And in an instant, one that I hadn't prepared for, Lyla was no longer a baby. She had grown up.

The tears stung as they streamed down my face at the thought.

Then there was the moment when I realized that Gabe and Lyla were developing an incredibly close bond - one that I couldn't participate in because I was taking care of a newborn. Don't get me wrong. I have the best husband. He was (and continues to be) a saint during those two weeks he was off - cooking, cleaning, changing dirty diapers. But most of all, he entertained Lyla and gave her all the attention that I was unable to give her. He took her on walks, played the tickle game when he was exhausted from middle of the night diaper changes, and took her on a father-daughter date to a soccer game.

Lyla adored this one-on-one time with her dad!

But we all know good things must always come to an end. And after two of some of the very best weeks of my life, Gabe left me to fend for myself with two children.

The nerve.

And that's when reality slapped me in the face. So hard, it left a mark.

I woke up my first morning ready to tackle the day. And things were actually off to a really good start. I fed the baby. Made a huge breakfast of eggs and pancakes for Lyla and I. And then I got both girls dressed so we could go to the park as the weather was supposed to get frigid...and I was desperate to soak up the last few moments of sunshine.

It was 9:00 when we started getting ready for our walk. We didn't make it out the door until 10:30.

My first dose of reality had been swallowed.

My second dose was a bit stronger, and shortly followed our arrival home from the park. Where Lyla had no less than 5 tantrums. The baby started to cry, at first it was a subtle quiet cry, but quickly turned into a SCREAMING I'm hungry cry. That's when Lyla told me she had to go "yucky poo-poo". {Something that has been a struggle for months}. I ran Lyla to the potty. She sat and sat. Meanwhile, the baby was still screaming. So, I took Lyla off the potty and told her we'd try again later. I started nursing the babe. Then Lyla came out of her room crying hysterically. She had an accident. I stopped nursing the babe. Went to go clean Lyla up who was crying harder than I'd seen her cry in awhile. I sat her back on the potty. Baby started screaming again. Lyla begged for me to take her off the potty. I made her sit in case she still had to go. I went to check on the baby. Then I heard Lyla screaming louder. I ran back to the bathroom, and she had gone in the potty {something she is terrified to do}. She cried uncontrollably and refused to flush it and kept begging me to take her out of the bathroom. I praised her, hugged her, cleaned her up, and gave her a sucker. She was instantly happy.

So, 20 minutes later, I got back to nursing the baby.

Oy.

Similar scenarios happen daily. But I'm sure I'll get the hang of it.

Right?

But more than the adjustment of handling two on my own was Lyla's sudden change from being happier than I'd ever seen her to a sobbing, cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat mess. She cried over everything from having skin on her apple to the eyeball falling off on her turkey sticker for her potty chart. And it really was so sad to witness because she just seemed depressed and confused. She didn't understand why she was acting the way that she was and was having such a difficult time sorting out her feelings.  Needless to say, I've let Ellie {her silk elephant that we only want her to have during naps and nighttime} go with us everywhere. And the thumb? In her mouth 24/7.

But she's coping the only way she knows how.

The silver lining is that Lyla doesn't dislike her little sister and isn't taking any of this out on her. In fact, just the opposite. Adaline is sort of a buffer and turns Lyla's tears into laughter, and Lyla is still just as intrigued and in love as she was a couple of weeks ago.

And actually, as of today, Lyla seems to be getting back to normal. I've been trying to be more intentional about giving her one-on-one attention throughout the day. And I've also been adamant about getting her back on her regular schedule and routine.

So here we are. Each of us learning and adjusting daily. And still enjoying this time and trying to bottle it up.

Because as we all know, it will be gone in the blink of an eye. :(

Cloudy with a chance of sunshine

Oh. Hello.

Here I am.
Ever-so-slowly peering out from my black hole of groggy sickness and blahs.

Although usually a foreign concept to me, there's been a piercing silence on the blog lately. And if you haven't noticed, well, I've been in a rut. I don't even think I've opened my computer once in the last 2 weeks. And *gasp*, I'm pretty sure I've taken a total of 3 pictures of Chunkin the last two weekends. Thanks to two rounds of icky respiratory crud, I just haven't had much energy for anything really. Especially not blogging. In fact, the thought of blogging has made me nearly burst into tears.

Ok. That's a lie. I haven't had the energy to burst into tears.

Oh the winter blahs. I say winter because until this past weekend, Kansas did not get the memo that it is March.

But this particular case of the blahs has been all-consuming for the past several weeks. And I'm not so sure I have an acceptable excuse for letting things get so murky. But there's been clear evidence of a dark, bulging rain cloud hovering over our household. Partly due to the terrible weather, partly due to some personal decisions and happenings, but mostly due to sickness. And tagging along with sickness has been exhaustion, thanks to a toddler who suddenly started waking through the night. So, I haven't been the only one in the family resembling that of a zombie lately.

My poor family. They've been real sports about my whole slacking on life thing. Somehow, they've survived on chicken noodle soup, grilled cheese, or anything else that has 3 or fewer ingredients. Of course Lyla has been consuming an obscene amount of "ta-ta's" {crackers}, while I've been snacking on an embarrassing amount of cottage cheese. I don't know, something about it is comforting when it's been less than 40 degrees outside for over thirty consecutive days. Odd, I'm aware. But comforting nonetheless.

And speaking of slacking, let's talk about my after-work uniform as of late. The moment I walk in the door from picking up Lyla from daycare, and not a second later, the pants come off, sweatpants go on, and I find the fuzziest socks I own. May not see so ridiculous, except I haven't had the energy to change my work shirt as well. So, the uniform consists of baggy sweatpants paired with a work blouse. And of course the fuzzy socks. My husband is one lucky man.

But as of this week, it finally looks like we've made it to the other side. So if I've completely rained on your parade with my story of gloom, there is light up ahead! And though they may be little slivers, my eyelids are slowly adjusting. Because you see, my cough has gone from a rattle to more of a subtle clearing of the throat. Lyla is feeling better everyday and starting to sleep again. But most importantly, my friends, the sun has started shining. And when the sun shines, my soul is alive.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who gets stuck in the ho-hum-drum of life. And winter. And sickness. And work. And the same old, same old.

But here I am, trying to get back into the swing of blogging. Writing what's on my mind. And although there may be nothing but sludge at the moment, I can feel myself awakening. Life is coming back to me.

It's amazing what a little sunshine can do. I might even start wearing real pants after work.

But probably not.

Recovery nap time with my best gal

Our Day: Working Mom Update

At this exact moment in time, I have an ideal mom-of-an-only-toddler work situation.

Of course there are moments when I wonder what it would be like to stay home, when I wonder if I should stay home. Time is just so precious and moving at a blink-and-you'll-miss-it pace.

But those thoughts are not a place I stay for too long.

The thing is, I am incredibly blessed with my job. Aside from the frantic before-dawn rush that is our mornings and the fact that I'd really like more time together in the evenings, our routine is a well-oiled machine. I have a great boss and co-workers, I get to run errands during my lunch break {sans toddler}, and the moment I leave work, I don't think about it again until I walk in the next morning.

Oh. And I get Friday's off.

Last year, I remember thinking, on what seemed like an hourly basis, if only I could just have Fridays off. two day weekends are simply not enough. Saturdays and Sundays were days spent cleaning, grocery shopping, errand-running and preparing for the next work week. If only I had one more day in the week...

And I was right.  It is incredible how one extra day is the most generous game changer. Sure, sometimes I get a bit greedy and wish for just one more day, until I realize how blessed I am for my Fridays off.

Admittedly, I wasn't quite sure how to adjust at first. Not that I had no idea what on earth to do with all of this extra time, it's just that I suddenly had the time to realize how much I had let slide. How much there is actually to do to maintain the home. I had neglected our little home for so long. So, I spent every Friday racing to clean the house, run multiple errands with Lyla in tow, cross off my multitude of to-do's, and meal plan for the next week.

That didn't last long.

My sweet husband reminded me why I took my job in the first place - to be able to focus more on my family, not on all that has to be done.

So, I made a promise to myself. That Friday will always be our day. A day just for Lyla and me. A day where I get to be a stay at home mom. Where we go to mommy and me classes, have playdates, grab lunch with friends, explore, learn and have fun. And then there's the much-anticipated nap time. Because nap time, my friends = Mommy time. I get to read, blog, have phone dates with out of town friends, and sometimes I get a little crazy and try a Pinterest project. Life on the edge, I tell you.

There's only one rule for Fridays. And it's not allowed to be broken.
No work allowed.

It sure is the little things that actually turn out to be monumentally huge things.
I can't think of one thing, not even one, that is better than Fridays.
Except maybe Saturdays and Sundays.

When Dad gets to join in on the fun.

The Little Things {like sick days}

It has taken two full weeks of doctor visits, antibiotics, and nose-sucking, but Lyla is finally on the mend. Hooray!

It's the little things that sure make this ride of motherhood so delightful. Take sick days for example. Having a sick little may mean lots of tears, but those tears are quickly followed by extra needy snuggles. It also means being unable to clean, cook, or do anything really without your toddler begging to be held.  But oh my, the snuggles.

We're lucky in that this was really the first time since Lyla's been born where she's been pretty sick. Of course the downside is that when it takes this long to get sick, the monster infection decides to make up for lost time and refuses to leave or even subside for two full weeks. 

Day two of monster infection. Poor baby!

And although it's nowhere near the struggle I felt last year, I can't help but feel extreme mommy guilt when my baby is sick. Of course I am very happy and feel balanced most of the time with our daily routine, but there are some days when I think I'm missing out and should be staying home. Especially when my baby bursts into tears when I drop her off at daycare and cries "mama" over and over. 

Ugh. The never-ending internal battle as a working mama. 

Anyway, I was able to take one day off and utilized every moment of the weekends to give lots of extra love, attention, and cuddles to my little muffin. And although we had to skip music class and play dates, we were able to spend a lot of one-on-one time together. Just me and my mini. 

There's no doubt about it, having a sick child makes you pull out your cape and turn into Super Mom. Doesn't matter if your baby is 2 weeks old or 20 years old. No one but mom can make sickness feel better. Mom is just what the doctor ordered. 

And minus the whole being sick part,  I've come to the conclusion that sick days are the best days. They're downright fulfilling for the heart and soul. There's just something heart-enhancing about the unexpected reminder that your normally-independent toddler really just needs her mama. The last time we had a sick day was last year. Always a "good" time. 

We had two visits to the doctor - gotta follow that mommy instinct that things are not okay! Found out we had our first ear and sinus infection. 

But of course the extra cuddles with the fur-babes perked us right up. Almost as good of a remedy as chicken noodle soup.

Got out of the house for the first time in three days to stock up on saline and Pedialite. Oh, and finally caved and bought one of those nose frida nasal aspirator things. You.guys. I swore, swore, swore I would never buy one of those gross things. But friends, it is the best invention ever made. Ever. Promise the snot goes nowhere near your mouth. My only regret is waiting until Lyla was super duper sick.

 She wanted to give high-fives to everyone we passed.

Broke all kinds of rules, like eating in Mom and Dad's bed and watching movies for 4 hours straight.  For multiple days in a row.

And of course soaked up hours and hours of snuggles.

Oh my goodness. 

Is there anything better?

I can't possibly even begin to imagine. 

Except maybe, when the snuggles start to pay off. And your kiddo smiles for the first time in over a week. 

Now that. That's better.